How To Deal With Criticism

We are what we think.
All that we are arises from our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

~ The dhammapada: The Sayings of the Buddha


If your self-esteem is low, you may be one of those people who can't say no. You are probably letting your kids or your partner or your friends get away with murder. You are probably embarrassed by praise or criticism and have trouble coping with people. It's likely that you have the best of intentions and are incredibly loving and giving, but the trouble is that everyone takes advantage of you and, unfortunately, at the end of the day no one respects you.

Criticism can come in many forms, but the basic intention behind them all is the same: to undermine you in some way. To deal with this you need to develop skills that help you stand your ground. One of these is not to take no for an answer. Repeat your message, however persistent or manipulative the other person gets, until that person has heard what you say and agreed to negotiate with you. Another way is to acknowledge that there may be an element of truth in the criticism, yet follow that up with an assertion of your viewpoint:"I understand what you are saying, but I still feel...." You may also decide to agree with the criticism, depending on the nature of it, or actively encourage it to find out whether your critic is being truthful or manipulative.

Criticism from others can destroy self-esteem. Criticism hurts. Much, of course, depends on the spirit in which the criticism was given. If it was intended to help you correct and improve, then see criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow, but if the criticism was unjust, how do you cope with that?

You may want to bear in mind that unjust or unfair criticism is usually given to make the critic feel important. It often means that you are worthy of attention and the critic feels jealous or threatened. So the next time you receive unjust criticism, try taking it as a compliment.

Gender-related Criticism
Expectation placed on you because of your gender, or judgments made about you, can destroy confidence. Your gender may force you to confront roles you are not content with, or make you feel anxious about issues that concern the other sex less.

This is a generalisation, and there are many exceptions, but women often feel trapped in the role of caretaker. Low self-esteem is linked to issues surrounding sexual harassment, lower-paying jobs, limited career opportunities, unequal treatment, and social expectations of how to look and behave. For men, it is often linked to lack of intimacy, emotional repression, social expectation and the obligation to provide financial support.

Creative solutions can be found for gender-related issues. Most of them involve confronting and letting go of sterotypes you or others may have, being clear about who you are and what you want and setting reasonable goals for yourself. The same applies to anxiety about sex or sexual orientation, worries related to religious, cultural and ethnic background and worries related to physical appearance.

If any of the personal issues above make you feel uncomfortable about yourself, working on self-acceptance is your first step. Put simply, that means liking yourself and having confidence in yourself no matter who you are, what you look like, where you come from, where you are going and what others say about you.

If you don't think you are good enough, attractive enough, popular enough or talented enough, ask yourself: Am I being realistic? No one is completely good or wholly bad. Stop focusing entirely on the negative and allow the positive into the picture.

If other people are walking all over you, it is time to start practising assertiveness skills. The only person who has the right to judge your behaviour, thoughts and emotions is you. You have the right to change your mind, say no or "I don't understand" or "I don't know" or even "I don't care".

If you are helping others because you really want to, that's fine. But if you are frightened of becoming unpopular or lonely if you stop being everything to everybody, remind yourself that those who really care about you won't put unwelcome demands on you. If you start feeling obligated or guilty in your relationships, then it is time to change the dynamic of those relationships and, if need be, move away from them.

Adapted from Theresa Francis-Cheung, a health consultant and psychologist.